Theft and Bright Eyes

I cant breath sometimes.
Too many words stuck in my throat, no air can get in,
Its all trapped in my chest
Circulating nowhere and becoming nothing.
My hands move like suffocating fish,
Moving toward something they cant reach,
Pulling me along.
An adventure Im not sure I want to see through.
My steps are always stopped by a contantly ringing phone
And the angry man waiting on the other end
I failed him
He punished me
I apologized
He left me
I loved him
He lied to me
And still for more he begs.
Go away he says, as I move toward the door.
Why do you leave me? I guess you never cared....
He throws words at my back, while Im doing what Im told.
I'd make a deal with anyone who'd take it
Just let me walk away... please
I am told I'll be free once I have died
From the shackles of language and measureable time,
Ill move along with the ghosts
As we shuffle to our beds
Singing "walk away, walk away"
I push my hands through my hair
They come up empty,
No answers tonight.
I just want to make,
A clean break.
So Im leaving but I dont care where to.

How to be surprised

The sound of sirens fading as she whispers in my ear
"Its too late to wish success. So get undressed and please just come to bed. Cuz Im the last real thing youve got. Youre cursed by all ambitious thoughts."
Is that all youve got?

****************************************

Last night was.... Not what other nights with you have been like in the past.
Last night was.... Not what I expected.
Last night was.... Everything I hoped for.
Last night meant alot to me
Last night.... last night.... last night?
Kiss me again like that. Hold me longer this time. And maybe I'll find the nerve to say _ ____ ___ those three silly words that would kill us both.

Last night.... Good night.

Play Crack the Sky-Brand New

They call em rogues, they travel fast and alone
One hundred foot faces of Gods good ocean gone wrong
What they call love is a risk
To always get hit
By some wave out of nowhere and end up on your own.

Your tongue is a rutter
Steers the whole ship
Sends your words past your lips
Or keep them safe behind your teeth
But the wrong words will strand you
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef

I wish for one more day
To give my love and repay debts
The morning finds our bodies washed up 40 miles west

This is the end
This stories old but it goes on and on until we disapear
Call me and let me taste the salt you breath you while you are underneath
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean
I know that this is what you want
A funeral keeps both of us apart.

You know that you are not alone
I need you like water in my lungs.

How to Obsess

Everyone obsesses about one thing or another, I believe. Some people are serious collectors of obsessions. They fall for almost everything, and follow it insescantly until it wears them out. Some wear these obsessions proudly, like a stalker, that sends you postcars with all his information, or stands around wearing an "I <3 You" sandwhichboard and ringing a bell. Some covet their obsessions, hiding them like old love letters under the bed.
I dont understand how we grow to obsess over the things we do. Be it money, an ex, a new crush, a fear, an old scar, a new pain. But I do understand the nature of obsession. How it controls you and makes you defend it at the same time, like an abusive lover. You will look at your ex's new girlsfriends myspace page 50 times in one day, then say "What? Im just curious what he sees in such a slut" When you have in fact never really met her. When really, youre wondering more what he does not see in you. I am a part time obsessor. I find an obsession, lying abandoned in the road, and I say 'Oh little vice, let me take you home.' where I then nurse it back to full obsession health, and release it back into the mentally disturbed world. I lose interest in my obsessions with time, probably making me a terrible obsession owner. A faithful obsessor, would no doubt hold onto their obsession with such vigor, nothing could tear it from their kung fu grip. Perhaps a future aspiration for me, I dont know. These things puzzle me now, because I realized today I do several things, constantly: Check my gas gauge, check my sleeping children to ensure they continue breathing, check my bank balance, text Jesse, check Jacks formula and diaper supply, and check my hair. I am, I know, an obsessive little freak.

How to be a Bum

So its not OFFICIALY my first day out of work, since its Saturday, but I am DEFINITELY already feeling like a lazy ass bum, who contributes nothing to society, and may as well just live in a box collecting welfare. I dont deal well with not earning money. I like money. I mean Im not superficial or anything, I just like not having to depend on anyone. I also already miss everyone from Vanguard. Even though I'll still talk to just about everyone I liked there, still it sux. Hopefully I can find something soon. Its hard to be an Alpha Dog, when you have no co-workers to....Alpha over.... Or something. I dont know. Right now Im sitting in my striped cotton capris jammy pants, drinking coke, typing this, being bored, and listening to The Emporers New Groove play in Lainies room for the HUNDRED MILLIONTH TIME!!! But Im ok... Im alright. Im still the Alpha Dog. I got this....

How to Fall in Love-Again

1. Get back together:
It could happen anytime, between two people that were once together. Two people that know deep down, they never should have seperated. It could happen one afternoon, when you hang out and feel that old familiar closeness you've been missing. It could happen anytime. You just know, its time to fix this. It wont be anything like the movies, but it will be special. It will be exactly what you were waiting for.

2. Open your eyes:
Look around and realize how beautiful this person is to you. Even when they look like crap, even when they yell and scream and pout like babies. Even when you're bored as hell with them, because all you two have done is sit around the house for two straight weeks eating fast food and watching movies. They are amazingly beautiful. Looking at them, pulls you to them. Thinking of them makes you miss them. Kissing them makes you want them. Open your eyes.

3. Let Go:
Forget the past. You've lived it, you've grown from it, now let it go. You are here, this is now. Enjoy yourself. And one day, or night, or morning with this man, he will look at you. He will kiss you and pull you to him, and you will die. Every part of the old you will fade away and you will become a creature of love. A body and soul that choses love over all else. Over anger, resentment, fear and mistrust. You will chose this person, and he will love you back. You will know in that moment, in that kiss that this is where you belong. This is home.

Two Blogs in One Day! What a loser....

That I am friends. I am at work, at the lovely and prestigious Vanguard, who has laid myself and about 20 other people off, and made tomorrow our last day. Fine by me, this job is kinda gay, except it is money, and there are NO jobs out there. I mean there are, but they're so inendated with 50 million ba-jillion applications, you never hear back. I have been filling my time, by applying to whatever I can find online/looking at pictures of birds for my next tattoo. Now I obviously cant get this tattoo til I have another job lined up, but its something to keep me from worrying about money. Im a firm believer that if you dont worry about money, money comes to you. Its one of God's ipso-facto type miracle thingies. A personal favorite of mine, aside from the good old fashioned smiting. (I would like to stop and say at this point that what I just wrote made me laugh outside my head. My cubie Jacob took little time in pointing out how embarassing that must be for me...) Anyways, where was I? I dont know, Im so completely distracted by my own hilarious nature, I am having trouble concentrating. Tears have actually started coming to my eyes. I suppose the only way to end this, is to quote my dear cubie, who after tomorrow will merely be a blog buddy to me:

"She wasn't mad, thats just the way her voice sounds." and "I've never seen a neck stop a misile." and last but not least "Sarah if youre going to get a tattoo of a bird, it should be a tucan. I dont really know why, but it fits you."