How to Slack Off at Work

Hello all. This is the beginning of my blog. It will give various rediculous tips on how to do, not do, or achieve several different things in life. I will give advice only where I am an expert from experience. I will take no regard for the relevance of the advice I give, as the things I am an expert on, are not anything you can learn in school. I am a scholar of bullshit, a wealth of random, obscure and often useless knowledge. But you will enjoy it. And at some point, you will use it. Of that I am sure.

Now, for our first lesson, is how to slack off at work. On this subject I am a supreme master.

1. Find someway to seat yourself as far away from the boss. This is useful, not just for slacking off, but also for giving him, and other random co-workers that you find displeasing the finger when they bug you.

2. If you plan on sleeping at your desk, come up with various things to say when your boss wakes you to cover yourself.
e.g. "In Jesus name I pray, Amen"
" Whew, must've left the cap off the white out again. I think you got here just in time."
" Who knew NyQuil was such a downer!"
" Im just so depressed...and possibly on my period..." <---This works well if you can fake cry. A male boss will be creeped out and uncomfortable, and just waddle away. A female boss-will see right through your shit, and can your ass. Work for a man.

3. If you work at a call center, call avoidance is a useful tool. After Call, AUX or whatever your system uses, can come in handy. Simply pop yourself into some busy mode, then right back to auto in, to put yourself at the bottom of the que. It might get you fired, but eventually being a lazy piece of crap will do that anyways, so enjoy yourself while you have a paycheck!

4. Befriend the boss. Get enough on his good side, so that you can go up to him to ask a somewhat-kinda sorta-important question then slide right into casual small talk. Gives you a nice short break. Be sure you can feign interest in his fat wife, obnoxious kids, golf stories, the weather, blah blah blah....... Convincingly.

I am a HUGE fan of slacking off at work. It relaxes me, and gives me time to perfect my strategy on finding a sugar daddy. I like to turn my screen away from any authority figures line of sight, and stare at it, with a very concentrated face, while pretend typing. This works great in administrative position. Really when it comes to being a lazy SOB at work, you have to find your own style. Some prefer to be a renegade, and adopt a general F-It attitude. Thats fine if youre a fan of the Unempoyment line, and searching the classified frequently. Some like to kiss up, or even suck off the boss. Good for you too, you little ho-bags! Use it before you lose it and become a sad pathetic shell of yourself. Dont worry, your daddy didnt love you. You werent imagining it.

Anyyyywhooo, feel free to use this advice at your leisure. Adjust it, make it your own. And good luck to all of you in your future journey of doing as little as humanly possible without being declare legally dead.

Love,
Sare-Bear